First Messages That Work (and Why "Hey" Needs to Retire)

The best first message on a dating app is specific and easy to answer. Pick one detail from their profile (a photo, a line in their bio, a quiz answer), react to it with a bit of personality, and finish with a question they can answer in one breath. "Hey, how are you?" fails because it gives the other person nothing to work with: they have to carry the whole conversation from message one. Below: a three-step method, openers to copy for every situation, funny ones that aren't cringe, and the messages to delete before you hit send.

Why "hey" gets left on read

"Hey" isn't rude. It's just empty. When someone gets ten of them in a day, yours blends into the wallpaper.

The real problem: a generic opener puts all the work on the other person. They have to invent a topic, be charming, and ask a question back. Most people would rather open another app. A good opener does the opposite: it hands them an easy, fun answer on a plate.

Same goes for "you're gorgeous". It's nice! It's also what everyone else sent, and it's about their face, not about them.

The method: notice, react, ask

1. Notice one specific thing on their profile. Not "you seem cool". A thing. The dog. The mountain. The suspicious quiz answer.
2. React with an opinion or a tiny joke, so they meet a person, not a script.
3. Ask one question that's easy to answer. Something they can reply to in a single line.

Example: their photo shows them holding a giant fish. "Okay, either you caught that or you bought it at the market and posed. Be honest." Specific, playful, and now they have to defend their honour.

First message openers to copy

Swap in their details. Copy-paste without reading their profile and it shows (people can always tell).

When their photo has a story

• "Is that the Amalfi coast in your third pic? I need to know if it's as good as Instagram says."
• "Your dog looks like he has opinions. What's his worst habit?"
• "Concert photo detected. Best show you've ever been to?"

When their bio gives you something

• "You said you make the best tacos in town. Bold claim. What's the secret?"
• "Your bio says 'still learning guitar'. Which song are you stuck on?"
• "Pineapple on pizza is fine, you say. Okay. Defend it in one sentence."

When they answered a quiz or posted a story

• "You picked mountains over beach. I respect it, but convince me in one sentence."
• "Saw your story from the market. Did you actually buy that giant wheel of cheese?"

When their profile gives you almost nothing

• "Your profile is a mystery, so I'll guess: secret talent is karaoke. Close?"
• "Quick icebreaker: coffee or tea, and why are you wrong?"

Funny openers that aren't cringe

Funny works when it's light and about the situation, never about their body. A few that land:

• "I've rehearsed this message more than my last job interview. Hi."
• "On a scale from 'Monday' to 'Friday at 6pm', how's your week going?"
• "I promise I'm more interesting than this opener. A tiny bit."
• "We matched, so apparently we'd get along. Want to prove the app right or wrong?"

Skip the pickup lines from a top 50 list. If it involves the word "fine" with too many e's, put the phone down and go for a walk.

Openers to never send

• "Hey" / "Hi" / "Sup". See above. Even one extra line beats it.
• Anything about their body. Compliment a choice (their style, their photo spot, their taste in music), not their measurements.
• A wall of text. Three paragraphs on message one feels like a job application. Stay under three lines.
• A copy-paste you send to everyone. If it fits every profile, it fits none.
• Negging. "You'd be cute if you smiled more." No. Never. 🙅

They replied. Now what?

Nice. Keep the ball moving: answer what they said, add something about you, ask another easy question. Aim for a back and forth where you both talk, not a police interview.

After a few good exchanges, don't let it rot in the chat for three weeks. Our guide on moving from chat to a date covers when and how to suggest meeting up. And if they go silent after two messages? It happens to everyone, including us (it's literally our name). Here's what to text when you've been ghosted, or whether to text at all. 👻

One last thing: openers are easier when there's a real profile to react to. That's why a bio that gives people something to say matters as much as your message. On Ghosted, photos are real and posted as they are, and profiles come with raw stories and quizzes, so there's always something specific to talk about.

FAQ

Should I send the first message?

Yes. If you both wait, nobody talks. Sending the first message is a tiny risk with a real upside, and a good opener makes you look confident, not desperate.

How long should a first message be?

One to three lines. Long enough to be specific, short enough to answer on the bus.

What if they don't reply?

Send one light follow-up a few days later at most, then move on. No reply is an answer, and it's not a verdict on you.